A Fat Chick...Still Chic.

Miracle of Miracles

2005-04-26T13:53:00.000+01:00

The last few days have involved a lot of travel, late nights and parties. Because of this and my own lack of will-power, I have eaten like junk food is going out of fashion. Also, I drank a lot of beer.

This morning I stood on the scales with terror in my heart. Bafflingly, I have lost half a pound.

I cannot work this out.

Could it be that my appetite has genuinely reduced? It's true that I have been feeling stuffed-full after smaller amounts of food recently. Beforehand, I had no idea what full meant. I could just keep going forever and ever.

Whatever the reason, I am back to counting the calories again, but instead of battling to fight my off-wagon gain, I am beginning half a pound lighter.

It's a miracle! Thank you Lord!

My Absence

2005-04-22T14:37:00.000+01:00

I have been away for ages because I fell off the wagon and gained a few.

I really have been feeling pretty bad about this.

I managed to lose the few I gained and lose two more.

My total loss to date then is one stone - 14lbs. This is a good start but to be honest, you would not notice. I look exactly the same, my clothes feel no looser, and nobody has noticed.

This is going to take quite some time. I am glad it is with WeightWatchers though, because getting back on the wagon is something managable. I have been trying to come in under my points every day this week so that I can eat a little more at a party tomorrow night.

I hate food. But man. How I love it.

A Royal Screw Up

2005-04-06T20:43:00.000+01:00

Today was the worst food failure I have experienced for quite a while.

It all began with my morning stupidity (see previous post) where I managed to drum up 12 points before 10am.

By the time 4.30pm rolled around, having not eaten for nigh on 7 hours, I was just about ready to peel the skin off my forearm and slap it on the grill with some barbeque sauce. I agonised over what would be my best option. I went for a bowl of cereal with low fat milk (4 points). GULP. Gone in about two minutes flat. Still hungry, I downed a pint of water in the hope that the pangs would fade. But, no. I then indulged in a turkey bacon sandwich (4 points). Hunger sated, and conscience aflame, I got back to work.

My S.O. arrived home around 7.30-ish and, cooking being my chore (he does just about all the other household crap), I set about making dinner. I made some chicken and vegetable kebabs with hot salsa, and some spicy rice with chickpeas and tomatoes (total points - 7). It was delicious. I then polished off most of a packet of fruit pastilles (2 points).

So. All my eating for the day is done. And my grand total? 29 points. FUCK. Four points over. I won't be seeing any miracles on the scales in the next few days. It isn't as though I couldn't see the points mounting up, but some days my appetite gets the better of me.

I deserve a good thrashing. Any volunteers? I have lots of padding.

Food Failure

2005-04-06T10:13:00.000+01:00

I begin writing this at 10.10am.

So I got up at 7.30am and was in work by 8.15. For breakfast, I picked up a banana sandwich (4 points). Then for a mid-morning snack, I bought a Curly Wurly and a packet of low fat crisps (total - 4 points). After I ate my sandwich, instead fo waiting for 11-ish to roll around,I immediately ate my chocolate and crisps. Great start to the day.

Then, something in my schedule changed that meant I needed to get home and do some work from there, quite urgently, as a deadline has been pushed forward.

When I got in the door (9.30am), I made a chicken salad sandwich (4 points) to eat later for lunch. I made it in advance so that it wouldn't disturb the momentum of my work and I could eat it in a few hours as I worked.

As soon as I sat down to my computer a few minutes later, I had begun absent mindedly eating the sandwich.

So.

It is now 10.13am and I have eaten 12 points worth of my 26 points of food.

How absolutely ridiculous. I vow not to eat more than 26 points worth by the end of the day, though. Actually, make that 25, as I owe one from yesterday. I am sure I have completely upset my hunger-meter by shoving myself full of so many carbohydrates.

WHAT IS THE LESSON HERE?

I am too much of a rodent to prepare food in advance. If I have food, I will eat it. No more preparing, or purchasing, food in advance of eating it.

The Nitty Gritty

2005-04-05T21:11:00.000+01:00

On the WeightWatchers program I am supposed to take in food, which when equated to their POINTS, is numbered at 26. 26 points worth of food is quite a lot, but as the last 5 weeks has shown, this system works. In fact, if I eat below 26 points right now, the experts warn that my body will go into starvation mode and actually retain fat. Oh goody.

Today's evil intake:

Breakfast was two slices of toast with low fat Flora (3)
A snack at 11am was a black coffee and a Curly Wurly (2.5)
Lunch was a black coffee and a turkey salad sandwich (5)
A snack when I went home at 6pm was a can of low-fat creamed rice (6)
Dinner at 8pm was 2 wraps packed with lettuce, cucumber, onions, tomatoes, mushrooms, taco beef, salsa and low fat cheese (10.5)

(One of the great things about WeightWatchers is that all vegetables (except corn) are counted as zero points. Score.)

The total? 27. Damn. I miscalculated along the way and ate an extra point by accident. That means tomorrow I eat 25 to compensate. Which is barely noticeable, to be honest.

I bet you're riveted.

Greetings, Earthlings

2005-04-05T19:25:00.000+01:00

I am a fat chick. Chic, though. Hey, I still look good.

Yes, this is my sad fact.

Five weeks ago I embarked on a mission to shift the fat that I have developed over the last number of years. Here are my vital statistics.

Age: 26
Height: 5 feet 11 inches
Current weight: 250 lbs
Desired weight: 175 lbs (12 stone 6lbs)

Ok. So 250lbs sounds horrendous, I know. For those of you who think in stones, that's 17 stone and 12lbs. Scary. Awful. The reality is that, at my height, I carry it better than you would imagine. When my gp guessed my weight recently, she suggested that I looked like I weighed about 15 stone, so it could be worse. I have large breasts and curvy hips, strong muscular thighs from my football, tennis and basketball years, and important things like my face and hands have remained slender. It was partially because of these factors that I became so oblivious to the extent of the weight gain. Also, the fact that men still seem to find me attractive made me kid myself that perhaps it wasn't all that bad.

Five weeks ago I began the WeightWatchers program in order to shift this weight. Five weeks ago, I weighed 12 and a half pounds more than I do now, so this is good news.

This is about the hundreth time I have embarked on a weight loss mission. However, the reason I have begun this journal is that I feel I may have turned a corner. For those of you who have struggled all your lives with eating disorders/bad relationships with food, you may know what I mean. I feel as though a threshold has been crossed for the first time where I actually think I might be able to do it. I have an accountability partner who is trying to shift thirty pounds herself, and this is keeping me on track.

I have secretly cried about how I look. I have denied to myself that I have a problem with food. I have binge eaten and hidden it. I have purged and starved myself. I tell nobody about this. I have been filled with a kind of shame that is difficult to explain. I am sucessful socially, romantically, academically and in my career, and nobody has ever guess how I really feel.

Part of me wonders if my self-loathing will remain even after I have lost this weight.

Only time will tell.

Weigh-ins are on Monday nights.